How to Not Make Apple Pie

Part Two in an unfortunately occasional series. Part One is here.

1. Don't weigh the apples, guesstimate!
2. Don't peel the apples.
3. The dough isn't coming together as it ought. Solution: overwork it!
4. Continue to work with the pie dough that doesn't look quite right
5. Forget that your oven is small and make the pie too tall with the too many apples so that the half hour that you spent piling apples artfully (which is probably why the crust was soggy) is wasted when the top of pie scrapes along the top of the oven creating a serious architectural disaster.
6. Also forget that your oven runs hot.
7. Take the pie out of the oven when the timer dings even though it looks like it could use a bit more time because the excess apples take longer to cook.
8. End up with something that doesn't look so good (obviously) tastes all right (but you know that it could have been awesome) but sort of has a weird texture from the uncooked apples and serve it to your ravenous partner and friend who biked 32 miles that day and don't care about any of the above.
9. Eat leftovers for breakfast.

If you do not follow the above instructions (except maybe #9) you will be rewarded with a damn good pie. It will seem incredibly huge when it is filled with apples but the fruit will cook down and everything will turn out all right.

Cinnamon Crumble Apple Pie, adapted from Bon Appetit

Your favorite pie dough (I don't trust this one)
3 1/4 lbs Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and sliced 1/4"inch thick
1/2 cup sugar
2 TB flour
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp Chinese Five Spice powder, if you have any
2 TB butter, melted

3/4 cup flour
1/4 cup ground toasted walnuts
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp Chinese Five Spice powder
1/2 tsp salt
6 TB butter, cut into 1/2"inch cubes

Preheat oven to 400F. Roll out pie dough on a lightly floured surface to 12-inch round. Transfer to a 9-inch diameter pie plate. Trim excess dough to 1/2 inch overhang and crimp. Return to fridge.

Combine apples and next 5 ingredients together in a large bowl. Toss to combine.

In a food processor, combine flour and the next 5 ingredients. Add butter and process until mixture resembles wet sand. Alternatively, if you do not have a processor, combine dry ingredients well and pour out onto a large sheet pan. Melt the butter and pour it over the dry ingredients. Working quickly, mix until combined.

Toss filling. Fill pie shell, mounding in the center. It seems like it is a monster pie now but the fruit will cook down. Pack topping over and and around apples. Be careful or your apple tower might collapse. Bake pie on a baking sheet until topping is golden, about 40 minutes. Then, reduce oven temperature to 350F. Bake pie until apples in center are tender when pierced and filling bubbles thickly at edges, about 45 minutes more. Cool until warm and eat with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.